Just hours after the United States and Israel dropped bombs on an oil storage facility in Iran and reportedly caused additional casualties in Lebanon, Saturday Night Live addressed the rapidly-unfolding military engagement in its March 7 cold open.
SNL’s “Hegseth Iran Presser” cold open imagined a press conference led by Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth. He was once again played by Colin Jost, who’s certainly earning his keep as a cast member in Season 51.
“Alright, listen up, dipsticks, okay? ‘Cause this is actually serious, okay? As you may have seen from our epic Pentagon meme drops, we’re treating Iran like the breathalyzer in my car and blowing it the hell up,” Jost’s Hegseth said, before singing to the tune of his “hero” Papa Roach’s “Last Resort”: “Cut Iran into pieces, make it a Trump resort.”
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Colin Jost’s Pete Hegseth shouts down reporters’ Iran questions in the March 7 cold open
“So now I’m gonna be taking your questions and throwing them directly into a trash can,” Hegseth said. A reporter (Tommy Brennan) began to ask him about the war.
“Wait, whoa, wait. Wait. Wait. ‘War?’ Okay. Whoever called this a ‘war’? Except maybe the President a couple times accidentally,” Jost’s Hegseth interrupted. “This isn’t a war. Also, why do we have to put labels on everything, okay? What are you, my high-school girlfriend? Which I had! This isn’t a war, okay? It’s a situationship.”
Hegseth continued to dodge questions about possible boots on the ground in Iran, risks of retaliation against Americans, and whether critics are right that we’re entering a quagmire with no easy way out. He also addressed the way the real Hegseth, a former Fox News anchor, seems to attempt catchy wordplay when describing the United States’ military offensive.
“Last week, you said that the U.S. defense agenda was ‘maximum lethality, not tepid legality’ and ‘violent effects, not politically correct,'” a reporter (Sarah Sherman) asked, quoting Hegseth’s real comments. “Uh, what did you mean by that? And why did it rhyme?”
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“Uh, ’cause I’m white Hamilton? I’m just like my country, I’m drunk, angry, and horny / And they made me throw away my scotch,” Jost’s Hegseth said, rapping a quick parody of the musical’s “My Shot.”
Since the United States joined Israel in striking Iran on February 28, hundreds have been killed across the Middle East. Six American soldiers have died. After three troop deaths on March 1, Trump told News, “We have three, but we expect casualties, but in the end it’s going to be a great deal for the world.” Additional casualties include an elementary school bombing that killed 170 people, mostly young children, which News reports is “increasingly likely” was done by United States strikes.
Per a national News poll, the majority of Americans disapprove of President Donald Trump’s Iran campaign. AI-augmented video mashups shared by the White House and other government accounts, which attempt to present the U.S. military’s offensive as a high-octane war movie, have yielded protests from those who say their images were used in them without permission. They include Pokemon and actor and director Ben Stiller, who wrote on X, “war is not a movie.”
“If we don’t know what we’re doing, then Iran definitely doesn’t know what we’re doing,” Jost’s Hegseth told the reporters.
Watch “Hegseth Iran Presser Cold Open” above, and stream every episode of Saturday Night Live on Peacock anytime.
Ashley Padilla’s Kristi Noem bid us goodbye
Explaining that she was “self-deporting” herself following her dismissal as Homeland Security Secretary, Kristi Noem (Ashley Padilla) said goodbye as she ceded the spotlight.
“As I told my plastic surgeon, the work is never done. But I gave my all to the DHS, and I have no regrets,” she said.